So, you’ve decided to finally come out of the closet. Congratulations! It’s a milestone achievement, not one to be taken lightly (or at all, if you’re Roy Cohn).
Once you have finished celebrating (or being abandoned by everyone you’ve ever known, depending on what part of the country you live in), I’m afraid now comes the hard part.
You must lose weight.
You’ve never had issues with your weight before. Sadly, this is because you were living in the Straight™ world. The Straight™ world looks very similar to the Gay™ world, but it is not the same. It’s understandable that you would make this mistake, as you have been operating under the conception that the world is a harmonious place where people bridge differences and try to get along.
Sadly for your newly homosexual brain, this is a lie. You must get used to lies because you must now date men, and all men lie. This is another tough pill to swallow, but I have no doubt your swallowing skills are up for the job.
Upon entering the Gay™ world, you learn that no one looks twice at you. Not the lumbering Bears, nor the padding Otters, nor the texting-while-crossing-the-road Twinks.
This is a bad thing.
You are a homosexual, so you do not like to be ignored. Without any extra information to go on (no one will talk to you in your current form), you must assume that it is your body that is the problem. This is a safe assumption because bodies are Gay™ currency, and right now people are ignoring you the way you ignore the homeless.
You will now embark on the quest for the Perfect Body®.
This is no easy feat. It will require a great deal of your time and attention, and nearly all of your energy. Luckily for you, stimulants are also good for weight loss, so you can knock out two birds with one stone.
If you have any hobbies, these are best sidelined in favor of working out.
If you have a pet, get rid of it.
The gym must become a daily habit. If you happen to frequent a Gay™ gym, this is even better. This will not help you meet any attractive men to date or to sleep with (you are not yet “fully cooked”, as it were), but it will provide a steady source of fuel for your body image issues. Think of these intrusive feelings of inadequacy as food for thought, as you are now no longer allowed regular food (the dubious luxury of the Straights™).
Now you have an eating disorder. Do not worry! This is a good thing. All of the best Gays™ have eating disorders. I am proud of you. Validation from others is Gay™ ambrosia, so this makes you happy for several seconds. You will chase this feeling through a series of Instagram stories (sent to a carefully curated “Close Friends” list) that show off your body from select angles to hide your (numerous) flaws.
***Note: you will need a full-length mirror for this. This is an essential homosexual gadget. You may be tempted to forego the full-length mirror in the interest of saving money (your gym bills are rapidly stacking up), but be forewarned: you will end up paying more in the long run in therapy bills. The mirror is an investment well worth making.
Three years have now passed. Just as one human year equals seven years in the life of a dog, so does one regular year equal seven years in the life of a homosexual. Your sexual currency is rapidly declining1, but this could not be helped. You needed those three (21) years to build the Perfect Body®. Congratulations! People are now paying attention to you.
Unfortunately, these years of restriction have now tanked your libido. You are now only homosexual in theory. This is not good for your sex life (or lack thereof) but does have the benefit of satisfying your more religious relatives who think that you should be celibate. Now you have earned the acceptance of both the Gays™ and the Straights™.
Editor’s Note: You might be wondering what life is like back in the Straight™ world. Unfortunately, I cannot answer that, for I am not the ambassador for the Straight™ world. He is on vacation in Phoenix and did not reply in time for this article. All questions can be referred to their embassy in Scottsdale, AZ.
1 A select few may apply to become Daddies©. See “How To Become A Dom Top Daddy©” for more information (bottoms need not apply).