A Day In The Life Of A Smartphone Addict

7 am: I wake up, turn off my phone alarm, and go back to sleep.

I restlessly turn over in bed, my body ready to get up but my brain unable to bear the thought.

8 am: My anxiety gets bad enough that I finally sit up and check my phone to see if there’s a notification from work.

There isn’t.

Thank God! My anxiety is abated for a blessed three minutes.

830 am: I lay on the couch. I’m supposed to be meditating, but instead I’m scrolling through Instagram’s explore feed and looking at pictures of dogs.

These dogs are really long.

These dogs are also long, only they are smaller as well.

This cat is crying.

930 am: I put down my phone and start writing my morning pages.

I forget the date, so I pick my phone back up and check it.

I put the phone back down. I write for half a page.

Without thinking, I set the pen down and pick up my phone. What’s the weather outside? Interesting.

I wonder what it is in Virginia Beach. I was just there, after all.

Huh. It’s raining today.

10 am: I should be writing. Instead, I open up the Washington Post and read the advice column. God, these people really need a therapist.

I read until I reach the advice articles from 2018. Those were such simpler times.

11 am: I go for my pre-workout walk. It’s a sunny day, but I’ve done this walk a million times, so I ignore it.

I go through my Amazon subscribe-and-save instead. Is there anything else I need delivered this month?

Oh no, I’ve walked into a tree branch. That’s going to leave a mark.

12 pm: I begin my workout. It’s leg day, so I take the rock that my ex-boyfriend rescued for me from the top of a mountain and I do squats in my bedroom.

I watch the X-Files while working out. While I rest in between sets, I pause the X-Files to check Instagram. How many views has my Insta story gotten?

1 pm: I make my smoothie and steel cut oats and sit down to watch more X-Files.

I pause the X-Files and instead open up a web page to browse through horror movies of the early 2000s.

Did I ever see the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

Did I ever see the original?

Whoops, my oats have burned.

2 pm: I finish lunch and sit on the couch. It’s time to meditate again, but I just remembered that Facebook existed.

I go through the “On this day” memories and look at old photos. I wonder what these guys are up to nowadays?

Wow, how did he get so old?

I can’t believe she already has another baby.

Before I know it 2 hours have gone by. I meditate, scolding myself while I chant my mantra in my head.

5 pm: I chop up a sweet potato and put it into the oven to roast. Maybe I should spend the next 30 minutes being productive!

I open up my phone and check every dating app I have.

He’s cute, but he lives in Pasadena, so he might as well be across the planet.

I love validation.

Whoops, my sweet potato burned.

7 pm: I relax and watch some TV while playing a video game. I can’t believe I still do this multitasking time waster from when I was a kid!

I pause the game to take out my phone and see if there any messages on any of my dating apps.

Hey, that guy’s cute. “Woof!”

I pause the X files and spend the next 30 minutes scrolling through profiles. “I really need to put my phone down and concentrate on the TV and video game,” I think.

Before I know it, my lights start to automatically dim. It must be getting close to bedtime. Those smart light bulbs were so worth it.

10 pm: I take a shower and get into bed. I’d like to do some reading before I go to sleep, but instead I take out my phone and scroll through Instagram again.

I haven’t checked it for hours, so there’s about 10 new posts I haven’t seen. I congratulate myself for my discipline.

Sometimes I’m so disciplined it scares me.

I peruse Reels videos until midnight.

I really need to get to sleep! I put the phone down and turn the light off.

Why can’t I fall asleep?

-Theodore Dandy