Things I Miss Doing When The World Isn’t Ending

When quarantine first started, I thought, “Hey! This isn’t so bad. It’ll be a chance to reset, take some time for myself, and then reemerge into the world like a less anxious butterfly. Thank God I live alone!”

Now I look back at myself as I was then and think, “You stupid bitch.” We’ve been stuck in our homes for months now, and even the most introverted among us are starting to long for physical contact with another human. While I have no plans to go out and about until quarantine is officially lifted, I have officially reached my “restless, irritable and discontent” quota for the year.

I miss doing things! I miss so many things. So, until a vaccine provides us with the freedom we so desperately crave, I’ll just go ahead and list out all of the things I miss doing when the world isn’t ending:

  • Going to the gym. God, remember how fun that was? Actually, my gym owner is probably a Trump supporter and constantly harangues everybody to put their weights back (which of course I do every time because I’m not a mallard). But he’s also a silver fox, so I forgive him for his bad attitude because have you seen his arms? Also he has a weirdly hot nephew as well who seems to be affiliated with the gym in some way…? It’s a mystery, but one that I’ll have to wait until things reopen to solve.
  • Going to coffee shops. Ugh, remember lattes? The taste and the texture and the way that you always forgot to say you wanted it iced (whoops!). They were such a divine treat. Sure, the cafe on the end of my street is open for to go lattes, but it’s not the same. Drinking a latte in a to-go cup on my couch while I stare at the fresh flowers I just bought for myself (because my mom bought me that vase and told me to “freshen things up”) is totally not the same as sitting and drinking it in the cafe (mom was right about the flowers, though).
  • Hanging out with friends. I miss going into the cafe I used to work at to see my old friends and delight at the fact that Victoria got new bangs. Now I just have to settle for seeing the bangs on Zoom! Those bangs don’t sparkle nearly as much as they do when you’re going to late night Canter’s dinners and eating those tasteless yet weirdly spicy pickles and trying Matzo ball soup for the first time and pretending that you actually liked it. Now I just eat delicious food that I cooked myself, sit on my couch and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which is nice, but Sarah Michelle Geller isn’t really my friend. Yet.)
  • Kissing boys. Boys! Remember them? Me neither! It’s been forever since I’ve indulged in romance. Sure, we’ve all made eyes with that stranger from beneath our mask on our daily quarantine walk (those lashes spoke a thousand words). But romance is put on hold while we’re all staying six feet apart (I would rather forego men altogether than go on a Zoom date with a stranger). I’ll just have to settle for Instagram flirtations and drooling over Sarah Michelle Gellar’s boyfriends in Buffy (to quote my mother, “Buffy’s a little ho!”)
  • Touching your face. Who am I kidding? I still do this.
  • Going out to eat. Okay, so maybe I didn’t go out to eat all that often even when the world wasn’t shut down. But still, there was that occasional time my friend Jess would invite me out to dinner and we would get pasta. God, those were good times. Pasta just doesn’t taste the same when I cook it for myself (speaking of Jess, I need to call her, she’s such a good friend… she’d probably be down to order takeout pasta and eat it over zoom… but it won’t compare to eating it in the restaurant… they bring it out piping hot and the restaurant is also super dark, which means that you can’t see the menu, but then Jess can’t see that I spilled spaghetti sauce on my shirt, so everyone’s a winner).

One day I will do these things again. Until then, I will write about them and continue to make my way through television shows from the late 90’s.

-Theodore Dandy