My answer to this is simple.
I’ve never been in love.
I remember the first person I had a crush on, a girl in my elementary school class named Caitlin. I liked her because she spelled her name the same way that my sister did. I don’t think I really understood what the concept of a “crush” was, I just wanted to have somebody to like.
I remember the first boy that I was attracted to, when I was in middle school. I remember joking about girls and faking that attraction, but secretly wishing that Kyle would notice me, let alone think about me the way I dreamed about him.
I remember the first guy I dated. His name was Sebastian, and we were the only two openly gay kids I knew at our high school. We dated for a brief month, before he broke up with me because he couldn’t hold my hand in public. I thought that was the end of the world- I finally had someone who could be mine, but they were too ashamed of me.
I remember the first guy who told me he loved me. We started dating a week after we met, and a week after we started dating he told me he loved me. I remember thinking it was strange that he could say that so quickly. He asked me if I loved him, and I said it was way too soon to tell. I loved him like a friend, but I couldn’t love him romantically yet. He asked what the difference was. I didn’t know. I still don’t. He broke up with me two weeks later for the same reason my first boyfriend did. I began to think I would never be in love.
I remember the first guy who I thought I was falling in love with. He was older, and he made me feel mature, and wanted. I broke up with him this time, because I knew that I would never love him, and I didn’t want him to fall in love with me. It was then that I realized how dangerous love can be.
I’ve never been in love. To tell you the truth, I’m afraid of it. It’s all I think about. I want it so badly, but every time a guy likes me, it feels like an obligation. I don’t know how to open myself up to people.
Who will my first love be?
I have no idea. I hope that he’ll be handsome, and nice, and smart. And funny. He has to be funnier than I am- that’s a deal breaker. But all that really matters to me is that he’s someone who I can be myself with. Someone who I don’t have to be afraid to love.
Because I should never have to be afraid to love, or to be loved.
They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can learn to love another person.
Maybe my first love will be me.