I helped a new friend of mine pick up a table she had bought from someone online. We met the guy who was selling it, and he led us up to his apartment when my friend noticed the guy was wearing a college swimming shirt.

“Oh, do you swim?” She asked him.

“I used to, yeah,” he said.

“Me too. But then someone tried to drown me,” she said

“Excuse me?” I said.

“Yeah, but then I became a lifeguard, which was good. I got to save other people from drowning. Although thankfully they aren’t being forcibly drowned.”

We rode the rest of the elevator ride in silence.


 

I watched American Horror Story this week. I would have had my hand at writing another review, but when one character stitched her body to two other people during a heroin induced orgy, and then the other two people died, leaving her trapped between them for five days to be tortured by a demon, I thought, “Maybe I’ll sit this one out.”


 

Told my boss Bjork I was an alcoholic this week. Her response- “Congrats!!
Sounds good. More on this later.”


 

I heard a man speak this week about his friend who wound up in the hospital after a night of drinking. His exact words were,

“This guy got black out drunk and found a raccoon, and… well… there’s no other way of saying it. He tried to fuck the raccoon. He wound up in the hospital and they said ‘you don’t have a dick anymore cause you tried to get frisky with a raccoon.’ Imagine that.”

Everyone in the room was silent. I thought I might die of laughter.


 

On New Year’s Eve I left work with a bag carrying five grain bowls of falafel, trout, and butternut squash soup. It was a ten minute walk to my car, so I called my mother for her birthday. Halfway to my car, one of the bowls of soup had exploded, causing the bag to collapse. I left one of the bowls of soup on the sidewalk- to this day I don’t know if it is dead or alive. I carried the other four bowls, butternut squash soup dripping from my hands, as I struggled to keep my mother on the phone. When I arrived home, my shoes were covered in squash. Happy New Year.

-Theodore Dandy

 

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