I have been sitting at my computer for several minutes, waiting to think of something to write.

I am wearing the kimono that I sewed in college, which is made of fabric that has bears, racoons, deer, wolves, and moose on it, as well as an opposing rainbow fabric for the band.

My hair is in a man bun, although I don’t know how to do a man bun, so it’s more like just a man ponytail.

I’m currently waiting for my laundry to be done, which has taken me about three weeks to do because it took me that long to go to the Ralph’s down the street from my house and get detergent.

I’ve just finished off the salad I only ate half of during my lunch break today, because lately every time I eat I get stomachaches. Because of this, I’ve just stopped eating all that much. I should probably go to the hospital, but that’s a lot of work, so instead I’m going to just eat less and drink pepto bismol. I hope I don’t have a stomach ulcer.

Every time that I’ve pooped lately it has been green.

I just googled “synonyms of disturbed” so I could come up with a word for the title that sounded more gay.

I cleaned out my car and had to wear the straw cowboy hat that a friend of mine gave me on the elevator ride up to my apartment. “I don’t normally wear this,” I said to the woman in the elevator next to me, who would have been just as happy riding the elevator in silence. “A friend gave it to me.”

I cleaned my car, and found my chapstick and headphones that I’d lost. My lips have been chapped for weeks, but I was too lazy to use the chapstick sitting in the drawer in my bathroom. I also haven’t listened to music in a few weeks because I was too lazy to buy new headphones, or look for my old ones.

There is a random man who sits in my living room and watches TV several nights a week. I do not know him, but I assume one of my roommates does. His name and motives remain a mystery.

I haven’t seen this week’s American Horror Story and I feel like I’ve let someone down because of it. I’m not sure who.

Kanye West came into the coffee shop next door to where I work today. Why didn’t he order a salad from us? What an asshole.

Everyone at work went to this big party last night. I wasn’t invited. There was an email sent out, but apparently I was accidentally left off of it. Everyone came into work today hungover. I was happy because it made me feel superior.

Lately at work we’ve been using a code word when we see a customer we think is hot. The code word is “foliage”. Not sure how I’ve managed to work that into everyday conversation, but no customer has caught on yet. We came up with the code word because a customer once overheard me say that I thought they were attractive. I don’t think that he really fully heard what I said, because my exact words were, “I didn’t really like that guy, but I’d still fuck him.”

There’s an old woman with fake boobs who comes into my work every day. I love her. I’ve been giving her free drinks, which I really need to stop doing. I’ve never seen her eyes, because she always wears giant black sunglasses. She is my best friend.

Sometimes when I go out on my balcony I hear someone scream loudly and I go back inside.

Lately I can’t tell if people are flirting with me or if they’re just having a stroke.

I literally just saw a cockroach jump into my room, so I set my computer down, picked up a book, killed it, picked up its little leg, and threw it outside. This is the second bug I have killed today. My heart is black as the ace of spades.

I’ve just recently accepted that I do, in fact, have germs. I’ve always considered germs to be something that other people had, so I never really thought anything of my own. But, now that I’m around food all the time, I’ve realized that I am not immune. I have germs that could make someone else sick. This excites me because of the possibility of power.

Munchausen by proxy is something that I feel like I would have if I just had a little bit less morals.

Lately when I feel anxious I say “God direct my thoughts and actions.” This helps me because when I interact with people, they can’t get mad at me, because then they’re mad at God.

My favorite thing to do is say to random coworkers, “What’s become of us?”

In six minutes my laundry will be done, and I will force myself to be done with this post.

Someone asked me what I liked to do for fun lately and I told them “Jaywalking and light dusting”.

My current notification when I get a text is an audio recording of an old woman saying “I can’t stand it when she touches me.”

The other day at the pizza place a woman locked herself in the bathroom for almost an hour. The police had to come and literally pull her off the pot.

-Theodore Dandy


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