At my job at the pizza place, I get to wear a rainbow sash and a crown. I am not required to wear it, nor has anyone ever asked me to wear it. Still, one day I found it in the back and I haven’t taken it off since. I ring people up, swipe their cards, and hand them their slices, all while looking like a beauty queen.

Most of my customers ask me what I won, to which I tell them “I’m the queen of Weho!”.

I did have one man who asked me, “What did you win, most likely to take two dicks at once?”

I covered my ears with one hand and clutched my pearls with the other. My virgin Christian ears had never before heard such drivel.

The other day at work I misplaced a 100 dollar bill, which nearly gave me a heart attack. A man bought two teas and paid with a 100 dollar bill, which is just about the most annoying thing you could do. I had to give him the change in mostly fives, although I should have just not accepted it. When I handed him his change, I must have handed him back the 100, because later that night I could not find it for the life of me. I was having a full-blown meltdown at work.

The next day my boss and I went over the camera to see what could of happened. It was strangely surreal watching my back on camera as I rang up this customer’s order. Do I really touch my hair that much?

“You weren’t even wearing your crown and sash,” my boss Benji said disappointedly.

“Please,” I said. “Can you imagine how maudlin it would be? Watching me on camera with my sash and my crown, handing this man almost $200 and sending him off with a queen wave?”

I ended up having to replace the $100, and I got a written warning. Such is life.

However, I do cherish the fact that my first job in my adult life is working at a pizza place in West Hollywood serving pizza to gays while wearing a rainbow sash and a crown. Things certainly have changed since I was a little kid, if not for the better, then for the gayer. Although, come to think of it, I was always a pretty big fan of High School Musical.

-Theodore Dandy

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