I’M THE PIZZA QUEEN!

At my job at the pizza place, I get to wear a rainbow sash and a crown. I am not required to wear it, nor has anyone ever asked me to wear it. Still, one day I found it in the back and I haven’t taken it off since. I ring people up, swipe their cards, and hand them their slices, all while looking like a beauty queen.

Most of my customers ask me what I won, to which I tell them “I’m the queen of Weho!”.

I did have one man who asked me, “What did you win, most likely to take two dicks at once?”

I covered my ears with one hand and clutched my pearls with the other. My virgin Christian ears had never before heard such drivel.

The other day at work I misplaced a 100 dollar bill, which nearly gave me a heart attack. A man bought two teas and paid with a 100 dollar bill, which is just about the most annoying thing you could do. I had to give him the change in mostly fives, although I should have just not accepted it. When I handed him his change, I must have handed him back the 100, because later that night I could not find it for the life of me. I was having a full-blown meltdown at work.

The next day my boss and I went over the camera to see what could of happened.┬áIt was strangely surreal watching my back on camera as I rang up this customer’s order. Do I really touch my hair that much?

“You weren’t even wearing your crown and sash,” my boss Benji said disappointedly.

“Please,” I said. “Can you imagine how maudlin it would be? Watching me on camera with my sash and my crown, handing this man almost $200 and sending him off with a queen wave?”

I ended up having to replace the $100, and I got a written warning. Such is life.

However, I do cherish the fact that my first job in my adult life is working at a pizza place in West Hollywood serving pizza to gays while wearing a rainbow sash and a crown. Things certainly have changed since I was a little kid, if not for the better, then for the gayer. Although, come to think of it, I was always a pretty big fan of High School Musical.

-Theodore Dandy

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I Know Subpoena When I See One

I received a subpoena in the mail a few weeks ago. The subpoena asked for me to appear in court to testify against the man who pulled the knife out at the pizza place that I work at.

Unfortunately for me, as well as the West Hollywood justice system, I did not receive the subpoena in time to attend.

The subpoena was sent to me on September 23rd, asking me to appear in court on September 24th, and I received it September 28th.

When I opened the letter, I was taken aback by the line that said,

“Failure to appear in court on the date mentioned will result in a warrant for your arrest.”

Frantic, I phoned the West Hollywood district attorney’s office.

“Am I under arrest?”

I meekly asked the woman over the phone.

She took down my message, and I have not heard from them since. I considered going to their office and turning myself over for them to arrest me, but my father told me this was not necessary.

Part of me is sad that I didn’t receive the subpoena in time, not only because I am all for doing my civic duty, but because I can’t think of a better stage than a courtroom.

I can see it now- me on the stand, wearing all black, sunglasses, and a floppy hat.

“That’s him- take him away officer!”

I’d shout, pointing at the defendant and clutching my pearls.

I’d eventually be jailed for contempt of court for refusing to put out my cigarette.

“You can’t take away a woman’s God-given right to smoke!”

I’d say, as they drag me out of the courtroom.

It all sounds so dramatic.

Another part of me is glad that I didn’t appear, because I wasn’t exactly confident in telling my side of the story. I did, after all, sell him a slice of pizza after 2 am, which legally I am not allowed to do.

“Am I going to have to perjure myself on the stand?” I thought.

What if I put the whole case in jeopardy? Pretty much every scenario I imagined ended with me being jailed for contempt.

Luckily none of it came to pass, because in any event I did not receive the subpoena in time and was unable to appear in court.

C’est la vie.

-Theodore Dandy